straight from the heart

When I joined my first govt job, it was 2000 km away from home. My husband was also with me.. I wanted to build a home there.. I never want to come back on transfer. And then. After 3 months and 7 days of my marriage, my father passed away. And then I felt so shattered and orphaned and helpless in my life. That I could not meet him often. I barely could see him and talk to him in hospital.  I realised, it is important to be there for our parents, like they were for us when we needed them. I want to be with my mum...whenever she called me, whenever she needed me.. as noone knows what is coming in future . Now me as a parent , just want to see my kids grow up and be there for them.. everything aside. .. we have just enough for our basic needs . So why run for everything else..parenthood and familyhood changes your priorities for good.  If being satisfied with your life is the thing that everyone seeks and we are satisfied with the present then why to look for luring things that ...

बुरे वक्त की अच्छी बात ये होती है की वो भी गुजर जाता है। कभी कभी कहीं भाग जाने का जी करता है।  जो अभी हो रहा है, वो क्यों हो रहा है। जो मैं कर रही हूं, वो क्यों कर रही हूं। क्या वो नही हो सकता जो मैं चाहती हूं, या फिर वो जो सही है। झूला झूलना भी कुछ ही समय अच्छा लगता है, फिर चक्कर सा आने लगता है। लगता है कि एक तरफ क्यों नहीं हो जाता।  क्या मां बनने के बाद बस मां ही बने रहना पड़ता है। क्या जो चाहते हैं वो नही कर सकते। जो दिल चाहता है, जो की सही है।  दिल में इतना दर्द क्यों है,  जो आजतक किया है,  जो कर रही हूं, वो पूरा क्यों नही पड रहा है। क्या मैं कुछ गलत कर रही हूं,  कोई मुझे समझ क्यों नही रहा है कोई मुझसे प्यार क्यों नही कर रहा है भीड़ में भी तनहा क्यों हूं मैं। ये पल भी बीत जायेगा। फिर उसके बाद जो पल आएगा, वो कैसा आएगा। बुरा होगा या कुछ ठीक हो जायेगा।

2024... This is an year of redemption..  Two solo trips.. off course official ones.. but both helped redeem my independence and at the same time fondly put my dependencies on the forefront.   I am dependent on my family for love and I feel incomplete when they are not around. At the same time, independence of my soul won over me..  For this new assignment, customs, I have to buckle up. Some saying it's one of a kind posting, others saying it's too difficult, some pushing me to embrace the challenges and others, as always, judging me.  I have to reinvent myself, aim at the right things in life, keep my sanity intact and just go with the tide and cross the river. Today very unexpectedly, I met my senior from present office at new assignment and she treated me so well, helped me by putting a good word about me to her senior was a gesture of humanity and compassion.. thank you God for all of this.  My super super super senior also helped me so well to get this ...

An year sometimes starts by the passed aways.. this time two of my childhood uncle's passed away in 2023. Bholu ke papa and Rohit ke papa.. I have very strong, fond memories of my childhood with both of them.  Uncle gave me some money as a gift for gobhi ka sandwich that I made for the first time.  Guddan ke papa was so much affectionate to all kids.  They were there in my childhood, thinking of their demise is disturbing. May their soul rest in peace.

They say live your life freely with no regrets... They say do what you truly want..  They say you only get what u truly deserve..  I am a follower of all of this.. . I live my life on my own terms.. I do what I truly want.. But sometimes, when u look back, u do have certain regrets.. though u made your own choices.. though they seemed correct at that point of time.. though they were all over ambitious.. though u worked hard for them.. but u still regret.. for not ending up being where u thought yourself to be. Regret for giving up so early.. not being strong headed as much as the goal required.. may be u had plan B that shown up at the wrong time... On the way.. I discovered that the process was worth some more..  and I am unable to accept that I have failed.. I would like to accept that I have gained in that process more that what I have lost.. some days the loss seem bigger.. some days It feed that it was destined to be this way only. .. But letting go .. forgiving your...